Gave myself a 30 minute vacation from technical writing and research to produce this screed in response to a friend's comment on my acting experience in South Pacific. This was followed by my work in The Seagull. I think that's what drove me into math and econ.
Full text of The Seagull at archive.org.
NOTES BY ACTOR PLAYING YAKOV WORKING ON MOTIVATION FOR THE ROLE, BY MIKE GLODO, REFLECTING PERSONAL EXPERIENCES IN 1973-1974 AS AMENDED IN 2010 BY THE ACTOR HIMSELF
ACT I
The sun has just set. On the stage, behind the curtain, which is down, are YAKOF and other workmen ; coughing and hammering.
THIS FORESHADOWS YAKOV'S FATE TO BE BEHIND THINGS, OFF STAGE, OR CARRYING SHIT FOR PEOPLE
LATER
YAKOF (from the stage, to TREPLEF). We're going to have a bathe, Constantine Gavrilitch. TREPLEF. All right. But you must be back at your places in ten minutes. (Looking at his watch.) It begins very soon. YAKOF. Very good, sir. (Exit.)
LATER...
TREPLEF (hearing footsteps). Who's there ? Is that you, Yakof ? YAKOF (on the stage). Yes, sir. TREPLEF. Get to your places. It's time to begin. Is the moon up ? YAKOF. Yes, sir.
HMM. PERHAPS "THREE BAGS FULL" WOULD WORK IN HERE?
LATER STILL
SHAMRAYEF (loud). Yakof, pull the curtain up, my lad, will you ? Curtain is raised.
AKA THE BIG YAKOV NUMBER THERE.
MORE MENIAL CRAP
MASIIA. He's jealous too. However, it's no affair of mine. (A pause. YAKOF crosses R. to L., with a portmanteau. Enter NINA, and stops by the window. )
A PORTMANTAU YOU PONCE??? IT'S A DAMN SUITCASE. OK. FOR ART THEN: PORTFUCKINGMANTEAU
LATER ON - LOTS OF TEXT, LITTLE YAKOV
At the same moment enter ARCADINA, R., SORIN in swallowtail coat, with the star of an order ; then YAKOF, busy with luggage ARCADINA (to SORIN). Stay at home, you old man. You oughtn't to go gadding about with your rheumatism. (To TRIGORIN.) Who was it just went out ? Nina ? TRIGORIN. Yes. ARCADINA. Pardon! We interrupted you. (Sitting.) I think I've packed everything. I'm worn out. TRIGORIN (reading the inscription on the medallion). " * Days and Nights,' page 121, lines 11 and 12."
YAKOV EXCELS AT BUSY WITH LUGGAGE. HE *OWNS* THAT ROLE.
YAKOF (clearing the table). Am I to pack the fishing rods too, sir ? TRIGORIN. Yes, I shall want them again. And you can give the books away. YAKOF. Very good, sir.
YAKOV REALLY WANTS TO KILL THESE FUCKERS, BUT TURNS ON THE SHINE. MAYBE YAKOV WILL PUT SOME HEROIN IN THE LUGGAGE AND CHANGE THEIR TICKETS FOR SINGAPORE GODDAMN RUSSIAN YUPPIES. ANACHRONISM? WELL FUCK YOU TOO.
Mail. He was playing at that tune at Elizavetgrad with Izmailov the tragedian, another remarkable man. . . . No hurry, my dear lady, we've still got another five minutes to spare. They played the conspirators once in a melodrama, and when they were suddenly found out, the line was : " We are caught like rats in a trap " ; but Izmailov said, " like trats in a rap " ! instead. (Laughing.) " Trats in a rap " ! While he is speaking YAKOF is busy with the luggage;
YAKOV NOW SEETHING - HAS SPENT ALMOST TWO FUCKING HOURS IN THIS GODDAMN PLAY FOR WHAT - FIVE LINES, CARRYING SHIT, AND SAYING VERY GOOD SIR. THERE'S A GODDAMN ALLMAN BROTHERS CONCERT THE SATURDAY WE'RE SUPPOSED TO DO THIS AND I WILL BE THERE AT THE FUCKING THEATRE FOR THREE HOURS DOING FIVE MINUTES OF BUSINESS OH FUCK ME. BUT HEY: YAKOV ROCKS WITH LUGGAGE BUSINESS. THAT'S A FACT.
AND THEN...
ARCADINA. Good-bye, everyone. If we're alive and well we shall meet again in the summer. (Housemaid, man-cook and YAKOF kiss her hand.) Don't forget me. (Giving the cook a rouble.) There's a rouble to divide among you. 1 COOK. Our humblest thanks, lady. A good journey to you ! We are very content with you ! YAKOF. Heaven send you happy times !
KISS MY KULAKS, BITCH A FUCKING RUBLE SPLIT THREE FUCKING WAYS
LATER
ARCADINA. Where's Constantine ? Tell him that I am off. We must say good-bye. (To YAKOF.) Think no evil of us. I've given the cook a rouble. It's for the three of you. [Exeunt all, R. Stage empty. Noise of farewells and departure behind the scene. Housemaid comes back for the basket of plums, and exit with it.
DIE DIE DIE THANKS FOR FUCKING REMINDING ME
HOME STRETCH:
Enter ARCADINA and PAULINE ; behind them YAKOF, with and MASUA ; then SHAMRAYEF and TRIGORIN 86 THE SEAGULL ACT iv ARCADINA. Put the claret and beer here on the table for Boris Alexeyevitch. We'll drink while we play. Now come along and sit down, all of you. PAULINE (to YAKOF). And bring tea at once. (Lighting the candles and sitting at the card-table.)
NOTE: BEHIND THE MOTHERFUCKERS
NOW SERVING
ARCADINA. Put the claret and beer here on the table for Boris Alexeyevitch. We'll drink while we play. Now come along and sit down, all of you. PAULINE (to YAKOF). And bring tea at once. (Lighting the candles and sitting at the card-table.)
YAKOV NODS AND MOVES I GUESS BECAUSE ANTON C. WAS LIMITED ON WORDS FOR THE ONLY GUY DOING ANY FUCKING WORK ON STAGE, ME, YAKOV
THERE'S A SUICIDE AT THE END OF THE SEAGULL. BULLSHIT. I DID IT, FUCKERS.
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